Deepest darkest secret.

I'm so sorry.
I woke up new years day, and I thought, "If that never happened, would I still be with him?" I hate thinking "what ifs" but it couldn't be helped. So new years day I spent thinking about that.
I hate whining, but this is my story.
When I was 9, something happened to me. I used to just describe it as I had sex with a girl. Truth is, she molested me. But until recently, until I started therapy, I had never been able to admit that. How does a girl, 2 years younger, molest another girl? I couldn't explain it. I barely remember it. All I know is it happened for three months until she moved. Three months of my innocence taken away for a lifetime. I dealt with it by making it a dream. It would come up once in awhile and I thought nothing of it.
But then he came along. And three months into our relationship, he started to get sexual. I thought nothing of it, honestly, I have always been extremely sexual since then. I liked it at first. And then, when it got further, when his hands ended up going down my pants, it hit me like a freight train. Some of the memories of Holly and I came back. The feelings of uncomfortability and fear came back. And yet, I still let him do it. I love him to much to let him leave. I let him touch me and use my body just so he wouldn't leave. And in the end he did.
Why I'm telling you this is because I came to realize something that I knew all along. I hate him for that. Not for touching me, not for any of that. I hate him for bring back the memories, for making me feel those feelings again, for showing me it was real.
And yet I still love him, I will always love him. But my hate tainted my love and it destroyed everything we had.
The question is, whether to tell him or not. I have no idea. I barely talk to him, but to tell him I hate him because he brought back a memory I spent awhile forgetting, would it cause more harm than good? Maybe it would help him understand some things, but I don't know if I should.
I'm so sorry for hating you for so long.
I'm so sorry I lost you.
I love you still, always have, always will.
You're my first love, and at the time, I was hoping you could be my last, but now you're too far gone, and not the man you used to be. I'm sorry.